A Performativity Theory of Football?

(Note: This is being written on the day of the delayed Euro 2020 final.)

Morons in the flats next door have been making a lot of noise. They appear to have speakers pointing out their windows and I can hear “singing”. This started at 9:30 AM. (A bloody M!) They are playing Three Lions, Come On Eileen and some whiny shite by Oasis. (O bloody asis!) They seem to be singing along in a rowdy drunken fashion. At first I thought they were drunk at 9:30 AM. (Nine bloody thirty, A bloody M!) My fondest hope was that they would be so “tired and emotional” by kickoff that they would miss the match entirely but…


July 11, 2021. COVID-19, Music, Silly, Sport. 1 comment.

I’m not fussed

I hereby confess, to the World in general, and not to anybody in particular, *cough*YouTube*cough*, that I cannot find it in my heart to give a rancid rat’s arse about any of the following products or services:

  • Tooth Aligners. (No, not even the “nighttime” variety.)
  • Grammar checking software.
  • Hedge trading.
  • That weird Australian guy who is clearly running a creepy cult.
  • Whatever the fuck “noom” is.
    (Is it some sort of diet thing? I’m not sure because I can’t stop myself clicking the Skip button.)
  • Seriously, stop advertising those damn tooth aligners at me! If I gave half a shit about tooth aligners I would have already bought them after the first 500 times.

January 21, 2021. Silly. Leave a comment.

Conspiracy Theory (Half Serious)

I have been finding it harder and harder to make sense of what is going on.

In theory we all have to wear face masks, socially distance and follow other regulations to prevent the spread of COVID-19 but the level of compliance is dismal in and around London. Go on any train. 40% of people have masks over their mouths but not their noses. 30% have no mask at all (or it is nowhere near their faces). Only about 30% are wearing them properly. Nobody is enforcing anything much. Despite high theoretical fines, and a few shops being forced to close, nobody else faces any real consequences for flouting the rules.


November 29, 2020. COVID-19, London, Politics, Silly. Leave a comment.

Gratuitous Snark

I would like to congratulate [middle-aged straight white man in a suit] upon his elevation to lead [party that I used to give a shit about].

This is a major step forward in the public profile of middle-aged straight white men in suits everywhere and will bring much needed hope to many in this woefully under-represented community.

August 28, 2020. Politics, Silly. Leave a comment.


I’ve been watching YouTube and my Mum is now under the impression that the most frequently advertised product on the platform is something called “Fuck Off Grammarly”.

Oh, and the thing about fractional shares can piss off too.

May 19, 2020. Blatant shitposting, Media. 2 comments.

Is This… Nostalgia?

So, I checked my Wikipedia watchlist, to make sure that nobody was dicking around with any of the articles that I watch, and saw that somebody had (legitimately) edited the article on the 2013 horse meat scandal and I was hit by a wave of… what? Nostalgia?


April 19, 2020. COVID-19, Food, Silly. Leave a comment.


Everybody else: Reading improving books. Learning languages. Searching for meaning in the dark chaos of these troubled times.

Me: Binge-watching UNHhhh, because I am trash.

April 4, 2020. COVID-19, Media Picks, Personal, Silly. Leave a comment.

Unregulated Financial Advice

Notorious cabbage counterfeiter

“I say! Have any of you chaps seen my pen?”

Just a quick warning to any prospective future sexual partners of UK Prime Minister (at the time of writing), Boris “The Johnson” Johnson:

If he offers you money, either his own or somebody else’s, then make sure that the cheque is signed!

Also, maybe insist on Euros, Swiss Francs or maybe even US Dollars. Its not looking good for the Pound…


October 20, 2019. #Brexit, Counterfeit cabbages, Money, Politics, Silly. Leave a comment.

1970s Nostalgia

The 1970s were great. We had a declining economy, random power cuts and everybody looked like they had got dressed in the dark. This was only partly explained by the power cuts causing them to actually get dressed in the dark. Yeah. The ’70s were great!

[FX: Rotary dial telephone rings.]

“OK. Thanks. Bye.”

[FX: Brrrrrr. Click.]

Apparently all that stuff happened today.

If anybody sees the Bay City Rollers, call for help and start erecting barricades.

August 9, 2019. History, Politics, Silly. Leave a comment.

Paranoid Conspiracy Theory

It has been brought to my attention that the ducks are all impersonating eachother! Suddenly it all makes sense! Well, except for the bit about the ducks obviously. Quack!

May 1, 2019. Blatant shitposting. Leave a comment.

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