Unregulated Financial Advice

Notorious cabbage counterfeiter

“I say! Have any of you chaps seen my pen?”

Just a quick warning to any prospective future sexual partners of UK Prime Minister (at the time of writing), Boris “The Johnson” Johnson:

If he offers you money, either his own or somebody else’s, then make sure that the cheque is signed!

Also, maybe insist on Euros, Swiss Francs or maybe even US Dollars. Its not looking good for the Pound…


October 20, 2019. #Brexit, Counterfeit cabbages, Money, Politics, Silly. Leave a comment.

The Wrong Trousers

counterfeit cabbages

“Trousers, you say? What on earth for?”

It has been brought to my attention that I haven’t been arsed to slag off the UK’s most egregious counterfeiter of cabbages since he was implausibly hoisted into high office by a small clique of dimwits who’s only possible excuse is that they got high in their offices and then voted for him “on a lark”.

Let’s put that right.


September 23, 2019. Counterfeit cabbages, Politics, Sensible. Leave a comment.

Businesses with Opinions

People get a bit worked up about AI. Computers having ideas seems dangerous. (Or adorably stupid if you read AI Weirdness.) We miss the point that the really dangerous non-human entities we don’t want expressing too many opinions are businesses.

Now, of course, the board of directors of any business is required to form opinions as to what is best for the business. Indeed, they cannot direct the business without doing so and they cannot report to the shareholders without making those opinions public. I’m not objecting to that. What they should not be doing is giving vent to the personal opinions of their individual board members on topics unconnected to the company.

What’s this actually about then?


January 26, 2019. #Brexit, Counterfeit cabbages, Money, Politics, Sensible. 1 comment.

New Year, New You

You know what this place needs?



Surely, nobody wants to sponsor this crap?

Hey Kids! Its Captain Cabbages!



December 30, 2018. #Brexit, Counterfeit cabbages, Silly. Leave a comment.

The End of Austerity

Woohoo! We’re rich. We can afford 50p.


October 29, 2018. #Brexit, Counterfeit cabbages, Money, Politics, Silly. Leave a comment.

52 is The Largest Number

counterfeit cabbages

“Post-truth? Keep up at the back, you chaps. I’m now fully post-shame!

Now, there may be some number theorists scratching their heads at the headline here but let’s let everybody’s least favourite cabbage counterfeiter “explain” via the medium of the twit:

Boris Johnson
Verified account

This is an important moment. Clearly No10 are negotiating a “backstop” that makes the UK a permanent EU colony. We cannot escape EU laws & ECJ until they allow us to – which they may never do. That’s not what the biggest majority in our history voted for #NoColonyStatus 1/4

Is he channelling Trump?

Reckless disregard for truth? Check. Mostly incoherent bollocks? Check. Multitweet twattery? Check. Yeah, he is channelling Trump as best/worst he can! He possibly imagines that he too can build a seething personality cult by feeding dysfunctional morons melodramatic stuff that conforms to the vague shape of their prejudices despite making literally no sense but, much like his sordid private life, he has messed it all up.


October 10, 2018. #Brexit, Counterfeit cabbages, Politics, Rigged Polls. Leave a comment.

Brexit Dividend?

Allegedly there will be a “Brexit dividend” and allegedly it will be even better than Coop Dividend.

Steady on now! 17p to redeem against future shopping is not to be sniffed at.

Maybe so, but any money at all will be useful going into a recession (Did I mention that we are going into recession?) so let’s decide what we should spend it on.


* – The coach will be referred to as a “bus” on the grounds that Brexiteers probably don’t use public transport and won’t know the difference. Also “Battle Bus” is a punchier, if less accurate, alliterative title than “Cockup Coach”.

** – Better brush up on your Withnail and I quotes. Make sure to have something ready for when Michel Barnier finally gets fed up with us wasting his time and tells us to “Stick it up your arse for nothing and fuck off while you’re doing it.” That’s our trade deal right there!

July 1, 2018. #Brexit, Counterfeit cabbages, Silly. Leave a comment.

Groundhog Day

counterfeit cabbage

“I say. Have any of you chaps seen my cabbages?”

Every day is the same.

You wake up to the Today programme on Radio 4.

The News is more about what it is alleged is going to happen today than about what happened overnight or yesterday. The News says that today is the day that the government (in the form of Theresa May, David Bloody Davis, Boris Counterfeit Cabbages Johnson or some other dingbat) will finally announce wtf Brexit (means Brexit) actually means. Everybody gathers round to finally find out what the hell is going on and every day it is a complete waste of everybody’s time. There is a mixture of platitudes and vague denials but no solid, meaningful statement as to what the UK wants out of Brexit. Nothing! I honestly have less idea what Brexit means now than I did two years ago.

I don’t know. Michel Barnier doesn’t know. Donald Tusk doesn’t know. Angela Merkel doesn’t know. David Davis doesn’t know. Theresa May doesn’t know. Boris Johnson appears to be trying to remember where he left his trousers.

Maybe they will work it out tomorrow.

(Update: They didn’t. There was just some more waffle about the transition period which only departed from the vague to take a minor detour into the delusional. Was there ever anything simultaneously as terrifying and as boring as Brexit?)

You go to bed.

Every day is the same.

February 20, 2018. #Brexit, Counterfeit cabbages, Media. Leave a comment.

Guest Post: Brexit means Breakfast

counterfeit cabbage

“What’s for dinner? Can I smell boiled cabbages?”

Just not a very nice one…

Pour yourself a big glass of Filthy Green Muck™ from the pound shop knock off “Nutribullet” and our semi-regular guest author will explain.


January 15, 2018. #Brexit, Counterfeit cabbages, Food, Silly. Leave a comment.

My Evil Empire of Counterfeit Cabbage

counterfeit cabbage

“Did somebody say stupid?”

I discover that I have the top Google ranking for the term “Counterfeit Cabbages“.

That’s stupid.


December 5, 2017. Clownhat SEO, Counterfeit cabbages, Links, Money, Silly. 2 comments.

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