A Performativity Theory of Football?

(Note: This is being written on the day of the delayed Euro 2020 final.)

Morons in the flats next door have been making a lot of noise. They appear to have speakers pointing out their windows and I can hear “singing”. This started at 9:30 AM. (A bloody M!) They are playing Three Lions, Come On Eileen and some whiny shite by Oasis. (O bloody asis!) They seem to be singing along in a rowdy drunken fashion. At first I thought they were drunk at 9:30 AM. (Nine bloody thirty, A bloody M!) My fondest hope was that they would be so “tired and emotional” by kickoff that they would miss the match entirely but…

Then I noticed something very odd was going on. They were playing each song in short bursts (each from the middle of each song) yet the rowdy singing was as enthusiastic as if this was an excerpt from a night of drunken yobbery. This has led me to two separate theories and I’m not sure which one is the most batshit insane.

Either:

• They have prerecorded versions of these songs including yobs bellowing over the top of them. They are faking their own karaoke! Why bellow like drunken sea lions to annoy your neighbours when you can just bung a tape* on, I guess?

Or:

• They are practicing. They are setting up their speakers, and making sure that they are obnoxiously loud enough, but they are also practicing their bellowing. Why would anybody need to practice that? Is “loud, drunken fan who can’t carry a tune” not an authentic and spontaneous expression? I have a feeling that Judith Butler might have opinions about that…

Anyway, enjoy the football, if that’s something you enjoy. Please, just try not to get involved in any COVID super-spreader events or other dangerous/obnoxious fuckwittery! Things look pretty grim already but they can always get worse…

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* – Yes, I know that nobody uses literal tapes anymore.