It has been brought to my attention that some people have been cheating. Cheating is bad. Stop it at once!

Henceforth, to ensure a level playing field, in which our mates always win, the following will not be allowed:

  • Having longer legs
  • Running faster
  • Jumping higher
  • Not landing on your head
  • Scoring more goals
  • Reading the rules
  • Doing training
  • Throwing the javelin in the right direction and even making it stick in the ground*
  • Putting your trainers on the intended feet
  • Not cheating at all
  • Upsetting white people who think that they should have won instead

FFS! I don’t even give half a shit about sport! How awful does the world have to get that I am forced to give a damn about sport? OK. No! I still don’t give a damn about sport. I just think that people should be treated fairly in whatever they choose to do with their lives. Sport is stupid, and it always will be, but it doesn’t also have to be racist, homophobic and vicious as well.


* – OK. I’ll tell you a bonus true sports story:

I was shit at all sports. I hated all sports. (You probably already guessed that?) I hated school Sports Day but everybody had to enter something. So I would say “Put me in for javelin” and they would say “But you’re shit at javelin” and I would say “Yeah, but at least I know how to throw the wretched thing a couple of metres and have it stick in the ground for a valid throw, so I can beat all the morons who throw it wrong and I can get us three or four points” but they wouldn’t listen and they would put their mate in, again, who would throw the thing as hard as he could but it wouldn’t stick in the ground, and he got no points, again. They put me in for shot put instead because nobody else wanted that and, of course, I got one point for coming last and they blamed me for their stupidity.

The moral of this story is this:

Shot put is stupid. Sport is stupid. The people in charge of sport are vicious and stupid.

May 2, 2019. Sport.

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