Tempus Fukit

Is that a Latin pun in the title?

It might be. Anyway, you know what this place needs?

Dusting?

Calendar reform!

Wait. What? No! I mean. You remember what happened to the Mayans?

What?

They got their calendar wrong and the world ended in 2012.

Eh?

Never mind. I’ll be over there with a bottle of Tequila.

Suit yourself.

Sorry were was I? Oh yes, calendar reform. Now don’t worry I’m not going to do anything stupid here, like try to decimalise time (like the French) or abolish Sundays (like Stalin) in fact the main thing needed is to undo a lot of silly buggering about with the calendar and sort it out again.

Really?

Yes, really.

  • Years are counted from the birth of Jesus, who may not have even existed and, if he did he was probably born in the autumn of 5BC. Yes. Miraculously, Jesus was probably born five years Before Christ and not even at Christmas. What does this tell us?
    That everybody was really bad at arithmetic until the Indians worked out how to do it properly about 600 years later?
    No. It tells us that this calendar is stupid.
  • December is the 12th month when its name literally means “10th month”. This is stupid.
  • The years go from 1BC/BCE to 1AD/CE, with no year zero, so you can’t do arithmetic on dates. This is stupid.
  • The month names are inconsistent. Four are named after numbers. Four are named after gods. Two are named after complete bastards* and another one doesn’t make much sense but at least avoided being named after an even bigger bastard than those two. One makes no sense at all and one is apparently named after some sort of stupid wolf festival. This is all stupid.
  • And then there is the fiasco of “British Summer Time” in which the whole nation is bullshitted into getting up an hour early for no good reason and which, unlike the actual summer, lasts for more than half the year. This is stupid. If people want to get up early then they should do it quietly and leave the rest of us out of it.
  • And finally there are the seasons. Nobody can agree when they start. Some people want to say that winter starts on the winter solstice, which is midwinters day. So winter starts in the middle of winter? This is just too stupid. Why have we put up with this garbage for centuries?

So let me introduce you to your new calendar, which restores the correct order of the months, pins down the seasons to match the weather and removes all the bastards.

1 March Q1: Spring
2 April
3 May
4 June Q2: Summer
5 Quintember
6 Sextember
(or Sixtember if we don’t want to encourage sexting)
7 September Q3: Autumn
8 October
9 November
10 December Q4: Winter
11 January
12 Lupercalia aka Stupid Wolf Festival
(inc leap days, leap seconds and all that nonsense)

The Wolf Festival itself will be held on the ides of Lupercalia (which you can continue to call “February” if you really insist). This will be defined as being the 14th, because Valentine’s Day would be up to 22.6% less stupid with a honking great wolf in it.

So that just leaves the question of the year. I’m with Kurzgesagt on this one. Let’s chuck BC/BCE/AD/CE under the bus and, no, we are not going back to using AUC either. Instead, we should adopt the Human Era:

So how do we adopt this?

Next year will be 2019 but it will only be two months long. The year after that will be 12019 and start in March.

And this won’t break all the computers?

And anybody would notice the difference if it did?

Seriously though, the Unix/Linux Calendar programs can manage this stuff just fine. They know about the change from Julian to Gregorian and even understand the Discordian Calendar.

daniel@dell:~$ date
Tue 13 Mar 23:36:08 GMT 2018

daniel@dell:~$ ddate
Today is Boomtime, the 72nd day of Chaos in the YOLD 3184

daniel@dell:~$ cal 9 1752
 September 1752 
Su Mo Tu We Th Fr Sa 
       1  2 14 15 16 
17 18 19 20 21 22 23 
24 25 26 27 28 29 30

You use a Dell?

Yes, I got it cheap off my employer. Turns out that a laptop that couldn’t cope with light use running Windows, MS Office and a virus scanner runs Xubuntu, LibreOffice and Quake almost faster than light.

Why would anybody agree to your stupid “reform” anyway?

The same reason as the last two times that the calendar was reformed. I just need to persuade the Pope and we’re sorted.

 

 * – With apologies to the very few who weren’t.

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March 12, 2018. Silly.

One Comment

  1. Stupid Wolf Festival | Daniel Rigal replied:

    […] the previous article on calendar reform I referred to Lupercalia as a “stupid wolf festival” based on a cursory reading of its […]

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