Radical Reductionism for Fun and Profit

In our increasingly polarised world we don’t have time for subtlety and nuance. Ambiguity is the last thing you want in your cheeseburgers. Fortunately most things can be neatly reduced to a small number of categories which you don’t need to worry about further. Think of these as the platonic forms Plato would have come up with if he was lazy and busy with “other stuff”*.

Let me explain.

Cars

Or as I prefer to think of them, boring tin boxes that people like to bang on about for hours. There are too many of them about but there are really only three types:

  1. Flat ones
  2. Round ones
  3. Square ones

That is all you need to know about cars. Clarkson and his lackeys can git tae feck! If people continue to talk about cars after you have determined whether they are referring to flat ones, round ones or square ones then they are wasting your time and there is clearly something wrong with them.

Correction: I have been advised that a rare fourth type of car now exists: The triangular one. This is indeed true. These appear to be square ones that have been squashed unevenly in a misguided attempt to make them into flat ones.

Birds

Or as I prefer to think of them, dinosaurs that won’t go away.  They make a lot of themselves but there are really only three types:

  1. Ducks
  2. Tweety birds
  3. Chickens

Well that’s a few books of ornithology you don’t need to read! If people continue to talk about birds after you have determined whether they are referring to ducks, tweety birds or chickens then they are wasting your time and there is clearly something wrong with them.

Sports

It is not enough to give the Dirty Digger money for dozen channels of sport. Some people are even foolish enough to watch the bloody stuff and then bang on about it afterwards. Even David Icke got fed up with talking rubbish about sport, and he is an utter idiot who now spouts complete bollocks about UFOs and lizards instead, so that gives you an idea where sports bores reside in the hierarchy of nonsense. Sport exists in various degrees of violence, drug taking and ball tampering but you don’t need to worry about such mere graduations in intensity. In the end it comes down to just three types:

  • Tedious
  • Stultifying
  • Insufferable

If people continue to talk about sport after you have explained this to them then they are demonstrably incorrect, egregiously wasting your time, and there is clearly something very wrong with them.

I thought you said there was going to be profit?

Sometimes, if you annoy people enough, they will pay you to go away.

Also, don’t get me started on the three sorts of wasp and the one sort of Brexit (which is the same as all of the wasps)…

 

 

* – The “other stuff” presumably being arguing with Diogenes and mostly not winning.

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January 29, 2018. Silly.

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