Guest Post: Brexit means Breakfast

counterfeit cabbage

“What’s for dinner? Can I smell boiled cabbages?”

Just not a very nice one…

Pour yourself a big glass of Filthy Green Muck™ from the pound shop knock off “Nutribullet” and our semi-regular guest author will explain.

Hey kids! Its Captain Cabbages!

Oh no. Not him. Is he going to bang on about cabbages again?

Leave him alone. He is here to slag off Brexit.

Oh. Well, I suppose that’s alright then.

If you have been to the shops lately you may have noticed that proper food is getting ever more expensive but, don’t worry, we’re British and we will eat any old rubbish these days. We will stew up our own boots, and pay through the nose for the privilege, before we admit that Brexit is an all-you-can-eat shit buffet entirely of our own making.

But can you tell your modern fake food substitutes apart? Take my exciting new quiz to find out what you will be turning over bins for, and stabbing your fellow citizens for, post-Brexit?

Fake or Fake Fake?

Check out this list of bullshit alleged foodstuffs. Which of them are the real fakes and which are fake fakes? Which will give you the shits and which are the placebos*?

  • “Cauliflower Steak”?
  • “BBQ Carrot Ribs”?
  • “Beetroot Burgers”?
  • “Courgetti Bolognese”?
  • “Kentucky Fried Chicory”?
  • “Cauliflower Rice”?
  • “Cabbage Meringue Pie”?
  • “Soylent Green”?

 * – Warning: Placebos may also give you the shits.

Answers below…



“This is inedible muck. And there’s not enough of it!”

Sir Henry Rawlinson





  • “Cauliflower Steak”
    • Real fake. M&S tried to sell this but backed down in the face of ridicule.
  • “BBQ Carrot Ribs”
    • Fake Fake. I made it up. Mind you, it is only a matter of time…
  • “Beetroot Burgers”
    • Real fake. Find them in the “Reduced to Clear” aisle of your local supermarket, and leave them there.
  • “Courgetti Bolognese”
    • Real Fake. Apparently they can make fake spaghetti out of courgettes now. Goodness only knows how they discovered that! Possibly some military research scientists were trying to summon Cthulu and it all went a bit UKIP. Anyway, you can serve this with that fake TVP mince that some people think is classy because they don’t know that it is the same stuff they put in Pot Noodle. Still, at least Pot Noodle contains real noodles….
  • “Kentucky Fried Chicory”
    • Fake Fake. The Colonel threatened to batter me in herbs and spices when I suggested it to him.
  • “Cauliflower Rice”
    • Real fake. This is allegedly a thing now. Bags of it are commonly found lurking behind the inevitable stack of unsold “Beetroot Burgers” in the “Reduced to Clear” aisle.
  • “Cabbage Meringue Pie”
    • Fake fake. So far no instances of this abomination have been reported to the National Cabbage Authentication Institute and we hope to keep it that way. I don’t want anybody getting any funny ideas about sculpting “Meringue” out of expanded polystyrene. No! Stop that right now! I’m warning you!
  • “Soylent Green”
    • Who knows? This may be real fake or fake fake depending on how bad the final Brexit deal is. Warning: Definitely not suitable for Vegans!

January 15, 2018. #Brexit, Counterfeit cabbages, Food, Silly.

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