A River in Egypt

If you look in the Nile today you might find a moses basket bobbing gently along, unheeded by the wider and wiser populace. Don’t worry. It isn’t an abandoned baby in danger of being eaten by crocodiles. It is today’s newspaper reviews courtesy of the BBC.** Given that this is the British press, you won’t be surprised to hear that there is bullshit among the bullrushes. Any croc foolish enough to take a bite out of this crock would not enjoy the taste. Most of the papers feature Theresa May looking even more ashen faced and Palpatine like than normal but lets see who is really in denial…

Why are you doing that pathetic old “denial / the Nile” pun?

Because this is an article about the British tabloid press and shit old puns are meat and drink to them. Now if there are no more objections let’s get on with it.

  • The Daily Mail has large picture of Princes Diana (who not only played no part in the election but is apparently still dead!) and a headline “Exclusive. The Diana Tapes”. (The tapes may or may not be of Duran Duran.) This abject nonsense takes up fully half of the front page leaving room for a large masthead at the top and a bit of half-hearted election coverage right at the bottom. Thoth invented writing for this?
  • The Sun tries the same trick but rather less hamfistedly*. The election gets a tiny bit more than half the page but it is the lower half.  Above this it can’t resist trying to distract its “readers” with a headline “My romps with kinky BBC wife” (No, I am not making this up!) including a larger picture of the aforementioned “kinky BBC wife” than the one of Theresa May (You know, Theresa May who is still the Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, at least for now!) which is also further down the page.

So that’s it for denial. All the others have led on the election. All the others have a picture of May as the main image. There is room for a little further comedy though. Some have run weird items possibly intended to serve as distractions:

  • The Express claims to be giving away a “Free pint of beer” (presumably T&Cs apply!) but doesn’t have the audacity to try to make that the main headline. And this is the newspaper that cheerfully runs the humiliatingly blatant lie under its masthead “The world’s greatest newspaper” every single day. Still, there is some sense in the beer offer. I mean, you couldn’t read The Express sober.
  • The Star seems to think “BoJo” (that’s Boris the Johnson if you were wondering) is set to replace “Teflon Tezza” (that’s Theresa May if you were wondering) as PM. I pity anybody who wasted their time trying to run that gibberish that through Google Translate only to discover that it is utter bollocks in English too.


* – The reason this is “rather less hamfisted” is that the “kinky BBC wife” is ex-BBC employee Julie Wadsworth, who has just been sentenced to 5 years in prison for sexual offences which should not be trivialised with the description “kinky”. Hence it is at least an actual item of real news, that happened recently, rather than Princess Diana still being dead after almost 20 years, which, um, isn’t.

** – Update: That link still works but unfortunately they have taken all the pictures of the front pages off now. I think the BBC only keeps them for one day. I’m not sure if this is for copyright reasons or because their webserver complained that storing that undignified crap was an infringement of its nonhuman rights.


June 10, 2017. Media, Politics, Silly.

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